Stop Trying to Control Your Anxiety

Stop Trying to Control Your Anxiety: Embrace It and Reclaim Your Life

Anxiety can be a heavy burden. It holds you back from living the life you want, making you feel like you're constantly running from your own thoughts, fears, and worries. It might even seem like the only way to feel better is to control it, to fix it, or to make it disappear entirely. But what if I told you that trying to control your anxiety could actually be making it worse?

The quest for control can intensify anxiety and create a cycle of frustration and self-doubt. Instead of running from anxiety, it's time to try something different: embrace the discomfort and learn how to live with anxiety, rather than fight against it.

1. Stop Trying to Control—Start Embracing Discomfort

Many people believe that anxiety must be banished for them to live their best life. But here's the truth: anxiety is a natural, human experience. It’s a part of who we are, and it’s not something you can simply "get rid of." The more you try to control it or eliminate it, the more you give it power over you.

Instead of resisting your anxiety, consider embracing the discomfort as part of your journey. It might sound counterintuitive, but when you stop fighting it, anxiety loses its grip. You can choose to live your life with anxiety in the background, without allowing it to take center stage.

2. Identify What Truly Matters to You

When anxiety takes over, it’s easy to get caught up in fears about the future, past mistakes, or imagined scenarios. These thoughts can cloud your judgment and distract you from what really matters. This is where you have to step back and ask yourself: What do I truly want out of life? What matters most to me?

By identifying your values and setting clear priorities, you can make decisions that align with what’s important to you—regardless of how anxious you feel. The key is to commit to the experiences that bring you joy, growth, and meaning, even if anxiety is still present. You don’t need to wait for anxiety to disappear before you start living. Start now, and let your values guide you.

3. Lean into Experiences that Spark Joy (Even if Anxiety is There)

Anxiety thrives on avoidance. The more you avoid situations or experiences that feel uncomfortable or triggering, the more control anxiety takes over. When you avoid something, you’re teaching your brain that it’s dangerous or something to fear, which only increases anxiety in the long run. The key is to lean into those experiences—even with anxiety present—and prove to yourself that you can handle discomfort.

For example, let's say you're invited to a social gathering, but the thought of being around people makes you anxious. You start to feel the urge to cancel or stay home because you worry about how you'll feel or whether you'll say the "wrong" thing. By avoiding the event, you might feel a temporary sense of relief, but you're also reinforcing the idea that social situations are something to be feared. The next time you're invited to a similar gathering, the anxiety might feel even stronger, because your brain has learned that avoidance is a way to escape discomfort.

On the other hand, if you choose to go—even with the anxiety—you’re teaching your brain that social events are safe. You might feel anxious, but you’ll realize that you can manage it. You might even have moments of enjoyment, which can help break the cycle of fear. Over time, these small steps help rewire your brain’s response, reducing the power anxiety has over your life.

You don’t have to wait for anxiety to vanish in order to pursue what brings you happiness. Whether it’s spending time with loved ones, pursuing a passion, or challenging yourself to try something new, let yourself move toward what excites you, even if anxiety is along for the ride. Over time, you'll find that anxiety holds less power over you because you’ve practiced living through it, not avoiding it.

4. Challenge Negative Self-Talk

One of the most insidious ways anxiety sabotages your life is through negative self-talk. It whispers messages like, “You’re not good enough,” or “You’re failing at handling this.” These thoughts can become deeply ingrained, making you feel like you’re not capable of managing your anxiety or living the life you want.

It’s important to challenge these thoughts. Ask yourself, “Is this thought true?” “What evidence do I have to support it?” Over time, with the right tools, you can replace self-critical thoughts with more balanced, compassionate ones. Instead of telling yourself you should be controlling your anxiety, remind yourself that it's okay to feel anxious sometimes, and you’re still worthy of living fully. You’re doing the best you can.

5. Set Realistic Expectations for Managing Your Feelings

Another pitfall in the battle against anxiety is setting unrealistic expectations for how you “should” feel or behave. You might believe that you should be able to manage anxiety perfectly or that feeling anxious makes you weak. This kind of thinking sets you up for failure and frustration.

Instead, set realistic expectations. Managing anxiety isn’t about perfection. It’s about progress. Some days will be easier than others. Some days will be harder. And that's okay. Give yourself permission to be imperfect. Practice small steps toward feeling more grounded, and recognize that every effort, no matter how small, is a victory.

6. Remember, This Takes Practice—and Help

It’s important to remember that learning to live with anxiety is a process. It’s not something that will magically change overnight. It takes time, practice, and patience. And sometimes, it takes professional help.

Therapy can be a vital step in learning how to manage anxiety in a healthy, productive way. A therapist can help you develop tools to work with your anxiety, challenge your negative thought patterns, and create strategies for living more fully despite your anxiety. You don’t have to do it alone.

7. You Deserve to Live Fully and Authentically

You are more than your anxiety. It does not define you. Yes, anxiety is a part of life—but it doesn’t have to control your life. You deserve to live fully and authentically, embracing the highs and lows with confidence and resilience.

By shifting your approach from trying to control your anxiety to accepting and managing it, you’ll start to reclaim the life you’ve been missing. You can move forward with a sense of peace, knowing that anxiety doesn’t have to hold you back from the experiences and joy you deserve.

If you're ready to stop trying to control your anxiety and start living your life on your terms, therapy can help. Together, we can develop the tools, and mindset shifts that will allow you to navigate anxiety without letting it define you.

References

• Hofmann, S. G., Asnaani, A., Vonk, I. J., Sawyer, A. T., & Fang, A. (2012). The Efficacy of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: A Review of Meta-analyses. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 36(5), 427-440. 

• Craske, M. G., Stein, M. B., & Ecker, A. H. (2017). Anxiety Disorders. The Lancet, 388(10063), 1500-1510. 

• American Psychological Association. (2021). Understanding Anxiety.

• Shahar, B., & Britton, W. B. (2019). Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy for Depression: A New Approach to Preventing Relapse. Oxford University Press.

• Farchione, T. R., & Barlow, D. H. (2019). The Anxiety and Worry Workbook: The Cognitive Behavioral Solution. New Harbinger Publications.